Anxiety and depression are very common nowadays. Some of us are not aware of the problem and its impacts on our daily life. But even most of us who are aware of the problem and are keen to manage our anxiety or depression, usually making a common mistake, by trying to change the behaviour, instead of finding what is underlying cause of the behaviour which push us to react in the certain way again and again. Unfortunately, there are many approaches and solutions out for managing anxiety and depression, but these solutions are mostly focus on changing behaviour. I don’t mean it is not effective but that is not enough. For instance, when children get overwhelmed and show aggressive behaviour, instead of forcing children behave differently, we need to pay attention and be curious what are their needs at the time and what are the triggers!
That is why parents usually complain that they try a lot to change their child‘s behaviour but the child repeats the same behaviour again and again.
Another example are in couple relationship who go to therapy to change a behaviour, or a spouse who agrees to behave differently because her/his spouse wants them to do it. This may be a short time solution to the problem but these couple never feel happy in the relationship and there is a chance that she or he gets back to the old pattern/behaviour again, or just creating new problem. Why?
Because the child or spouse behave that way to cope with their anxiety and underlying problems, because that was the only way they learn or capable to deal with their anxiety or the cause of their pains. When they don’t have a tool to deal with their problems, their issues are getting bigger. For instance, when children are punished every time they scream, they may stop screaming due to punishment, but they may develop more mental and physical issue as they don’t have any strategy to deal with their stress. Or when an anxious partner learns to cope with anxiety by controlling her/his partner and as a result, the partner may start to drink heavily to cope with the situation.
When children throw a tantrum, be curious what is their need at that moment. Let them know that you understand their feeling, name their emotions and never talk about the incident before they get calm.
Couples also need to understand their feelings as well as their needs. Talk about the problem without judging each other. Find a healthy strategy to deal with the feeling instead of misused drug / alcohol.